el fin or the end of 1st semster

One more class and then I am officially done with classes for 1st semester! I know everyone else is having a common reaction to this occurrence because it came so fast! I am glad though because there are times when I just want to go home since everything is much more comfortable there, and I don't feel out of place. It is disappointing in a way, too, that 1st semester is over because all of the things that I had high hopes for were not fulfilled, which leads me to believe that I either had a. a way too idealistic view for college as shaped by other fores such as the media and stories from friends (others' actions) or b. I did something wrong (personal responsibility)

It's funny because those same two opposing ideas-- between one is able to attain success due to personal actions and there are unforeseen circumstance due to the actions of others to which individuals have no control over when finding success-- was what our class kept going back to. In a way this sort of flip flopping in the conversation was also annoying because now I feel like in every class we just moved in a cyclical fashion, never accomplishing anything. Again, I falsely held the perception that by the end of the semester I would have come to at least a concrete formation of my own ideas and be able to relay them in this final blog. But, it is as though I am as unknown about my own ideas as I was at the beginning, I am just as unsure as to what to write my blog post about as I was when I wrote my very first reflection. This uncertainty (and openness) is shown in my first post here:

"I will, however, use them (Goffman's suggestions about humanity) as an observational tool, and throughout this Explorations course maybe I will possess more of the gumption toward humanity that Goffman conveys in his book."

First of all I was hesitant to believe in Goffman's view of humans and their performance in my first blog post, and I still take a more cautious view of him when I think about the way in which he analyzes society. Also, in my first reflection I stated I would continue to think about Goffman's views in contrast to the other activities which we did in hopes that it would help me. I think that being exposed to his point of view did aid me, but it doesn't mean that I still do not remain confused. I feel like everything I have known has come back to challenge me and, therefore, I have to continually be cautious and continual challenge myself so that more things do not surprise me in the process.

I feel as though after each Explorations class I would push the glass door and walk in the hallway on the way Spanish class in complete disbelief that I never knew that the whole world was so ambiguous, and to go through such a realization twice a week is startling because it is as though there is nothing to hold on to-- nothing tangible to base anything against because everything can be anything depending on how you look at it. Just writing that confuses me.

I do know that the one thing I did learn this semester is that I worry too much, as relayed by my many professors, but I never objected to worrying because I feel that being concerned helped to me get to here. However, now I realize that I do not even know if I still like being here, and it is the end of the semester. Thus, my uncertainty in thinking is what frightens me the most, not only that but also all that uncertainty and ambiguity that is contained within the whole world that we continually reiterated in class.

But, I will remain open and try not to worry as much, though I think everyone will be a little worried since it is our first experience with finals! On a positive note, after just reading this article, I feel a lot more accomplished and transformed because I at least did most of the scary tasks that he outlined, except, again, for these daunting finals! Also, I find this quote perfect for how I felt throughout August and into September: "For a freshman, fresh out of high school, it produces a churning sensation in the stomach, a sense of being incapable to ever finish, and a response similar to 'There is absolutely no way in this world one person could ever...' You can however," (Parker). It's funny because it's true. That quote describes the process I went through from anxiety, to stress, to worrying, and now to a form of content. I think that the next step will be when I am able to find the beauty in all of this ambiguity-- after it is done confusing me-- and that will probably be after college... but hopefully not too late in life.

Works Cited:

Parker, Susanna. "Surviving the Freshman First Semester of College." Associated Content. Associated Content, Inc., 29 May 2005. Web. 4 Dec. 2009. .