el fin or the end of 1st semster

One more class and then I am officially done with classes for 1st semester! I know everyone else is having a common reaction to this occurrence because it came so fast! I am glad though because there are times when I just want to go home since everything is much more comfortable there, and I don't feel out of place. It is disappointing in a way, too, that 1st semester is over because all of the things that I had high hopes for were not fulfilled, which leads me to believe that I either had a. a way too idealistic view for college as shaped by other fores such as the media and stories from friends (others' actions) or b. I did something wrong (personal responsibility)

It's funny because those same two opposing ideas-- between one is able to attain success due to personal actions and there are unforeseen circumstance due to the actions of others to which individuals have no control over when finding success-- was what our class kept going back to. In a way this sort of flip flopping in the conversation was also annoying because now I feel like in every class we just moved in a cyclical fashion, never accomplishing anything. Again, I falsely held the perception that by the end of the semester I would have come to at least a concrete formation of my own ideas and be able to relay them in this final blog. But, it is as though I am as unknown about my own ideas as I was at the beginning, I am just as unsure as to what to write my blog post about as I was when I wrote my very first reflection. This uncertainty (and openness) is shown in my first post here:

"I will, however, use them (Goffman's suggestions about humanity) as an observational tool, and throughout this Explorations course maybe I will possess more of the gumption toward humanity that Goffman conveys in his book."

First of all I was hesitant to believe in Goffman's view of humans and their performance in my first blog post, and I still take a more cautious view of him when I think about the way in which he analyzes society. Also, in my first reflection I stated I would continue to think about Goffman's views in contrast to the other activities which we did in hopes that it would help me. I think that being exposed to his point of view did aid me, but it doesn't mean that I still do not remain confused. I feel like everything I have known has come back to challenge me and, therefore, I have to continually be cautious and continual challenge myself so that more things do not surprise me in the process.

I feel as though after each Explorations class I would push the glass door and walk in the hallway on the way Spanish class in complete disbelief that I never knew that the whole world was so ambiguous, and to go through such a realization twice a week is startling because it is as though there is nothing to hold on to-- nothing tangible to base anything against because everything can be anything depending on how you look at it. Just writing that confuses me.

I do know that the one thing I did learn this semester is that I worry too much, as relayed by my many professors, but I never objected to worrying because I feel that being concerned helped to me get to here. However, now I realize that I do not even know if I still like being here, and it is the end of the semester. Thus, my uncertainty in thinking is what frightens me the most, not only that but also all that uncertainty and ambiguity that is contained within the whole world that we continually reiterated in class.

But, I will remain open and try not to worry as much, though I think everyone will be a little worried since it is our first experience with finals! On a positive note, after just reading this article, I feel a lot more accomplished and transformed because I at least did most of the scary tasks that he outlined, except, again, for these daunting finals! Also, I find this quote perfect for how I felt throughout August and into September: "For a freshman, fresh out of high school, it produces a churning sensation in the stomach, a sense of being incapable to ever finish, and a response similar to 'There is absolutely no way in this world one person could ever...' You can however," (Parker). It's funny because it's true. That quote describes the process I went through from anxiety, to stress, to worrying, and now to a form of content. I think that the next step will be when I am able to find the beauty in all of this ambiguity-- after it is done confusing me-- and that will probably be after college... but hopefully not too late in life.

Works Cited:

Parker, Susanna. "Surviving the Freshman First Semester of College." Associated Content. Associated Content, Inc., 29 May 2005. Web. 4 Dec. 2009. .

Reflecting on Thanksgiving Day: I feel too grown up

This reflection is early but I did not want to wait until tomorrow or this weekend to post it because tomorrow I must awake at 4 am for work at 5am-- oh the joys of working in retail. And the rest of the weekend will fly by and then I will be back at AU on Sunday. Though, I can honestly say that I do not want to leave, and I have only been here one day. Maybe it is because of the fact that I haven't seen these people-- family, friends, and co- workers-- in so long, but it also reminds me of how easy life was and having the comforts of home all the time. But it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder because it just makes me appreciate it all so much more. Thank goodness I will be able to come back in two more weeks. I will admit that 1st semester went by fast, but I expected that at the same time. There is always so much to do and I found myself having to plan everyday just so that I would not forget anything.

Today I found myself comparing this Thanksgiving to last year's, and geez so many things were different. First of all less relatives came and my boyfriend came instead. Also, just being back at home last night was weird. The first difference I noticed was that the ceiling in my house is so much lower than that of the dorms! So everything kind of felt smaller, though my room at home is definitely bringer than our dorm room. Speaking of my room, my mom cleaned it so it looks totally different! It needed a face lift though.

Anyways, I do not think that I am appropriately reflecting in this post so I will proceed to do more of that now. I think that the reason that history is so important, and that when Ambassador Quainton came to talk to us and he relayed that he studied history in grad and undergrad, because it is the most important way in which we feel as though we can predict the future. For instance, I loved this quote on Allie Cat's blog post: "It is interesting to note that many of the famous revolutions of history involve a dissolution and later reorganization of their country's military, including the French and Russian. Military and society are tied together- if one falls, so will the other." I think that she is correct in her comment, and it is true that future will contain repeats of the past. The way in which we move forward, like by dissolving the country's military, is by taking notes on what others in the past did. I love drawing parallels in my posts about my real life and the theoretical ideas which we talk about, and I am going to attempt to do so in this post as well.

Basically, being back at home flooded me with memories of the past. It was crazy how everything I did reminded me of the last time I was there, and at its core, I think that the reason for traditions and maintaining holidays is to remember the past and not forget what has happened. Holidays serve to remind us of our personal histories that make up our life, and act as a day of reflection in themselves-- an imaginary pause button. And as from learning from the past, we attempt to learn, though sometimes it is unsuccessful, from our past mistakes and what went wrong from holidays so that the bad traditions to not live on and the good ones sustain themselves. Just as disgruntled citizens desire to recreate their countries military to obtain power, so do we, ordinary citizens, attempt to learn from past mistakes and hold on to the good memories so that we can continue to reinvent and recreate our holidays and other silly/ sentimental traditions. Hope that makes sense and it is not too much of a stretch.

PS: HAPPY THANKSGIVING. This is one of my favorite traditions for today.

Stuck in the Middle

It's been awhile since I have been actually stuck and cannot decide what to write a blog post about. I think it's because my mind hasn't been focused on one issue lately, but been divided into many little thoughts, which has caused a. stress and b. a sense of disorientation. But, now it is finally the weekend so my brain should be able to recuperate a little and then break will be like a gift from God because it has not only been 3 months since I have seen my friends and family, but it has also been three months since I have had a room to myself to sleep in!

I am thankful that I did not have to go through the decision making process that is involved with de- tripling though, but all of this talk about rooms and thus the walls that construct rooms reminds me of the way in which us, as individuals, construct boundaries to create and maintain communities and to define a sense of identity. First of all, I just find it interesting that when I searched "boundaries" on blogger, no one blog talks about them as if they are tangible beings. Like this guy, who talks about boundaries in terms of a rule that the government imposes on its citizens in China about censorship.

And the first site that appeared in my search was actually the policy of Blogger's towards the certain boundaries that one must abide by in order to post on their site. However, I never thought of using the term boundaries in the way that these two sites employ it. I usually think of boundaries as a way to define the differences between what's inside and outside of something. But on those sites the term is used as a synonym for rules.

Concerning the American Indian Museum, I find that the existing Native American people employ boundaries to preserve their culture and maintain their heritage. But, they have also been increasing lenient with these boundaries in that the one exhibit displayed how many Native Americans and African Americans have been increasingly intermarrying. However, this continues to cause a problem for the children of such relationships because, as a video in this exhibit conveyed, these people feel as though on the outside they look African Americans and people assume that is what they are, but on the inside they feel Native American, too. These individuals have consistently had to struggle with these two identities. Strife arises when boundaries get blurred.

Therefore, I do not necessarily think that boundaries are a bad thing because they give people a sense of comfort and security when there is either a physical one blocking individuals from entering into a certain community, or there is an intangible one, like rules that a government creates to maintain order and keep certain people under control. But at the same time, they are bad because they restrict human's basic right to assert themselves physically in another area or vocally towards a certain audience. And thus I again have written a circulatory blog again in that I brought up both sides of the argument and remain confused myself about which side I truly side with. But I guess one does not have to always be extreme in order to state one's opinion since that is what I just did.

"wishful thinking" > violence

"Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms." -- Starship Troopers , p. 27... p. 26 in my book though. But, regardless, it is time to tackle this quote by Mr. Dubois.

To start, I think that people who subscribe to the belief that violence is the overpowering force in the world, which this quotation advocates for, are going to have to pay for it with their "lives and freedoms as well," (Heinlein 26). It can not be forgotten that when violent means are used, people do not die on one side, but rather there are always casualties on both. This is only one of the ideas that I will have to discount. Also, just to merely have the notion in one's mind that this quote is true is very disturbing because it strips life of meaning: if everything is only going to come back down to survival of the fitness and who can exert more power, in this case a violent sense of it, on another, then all of life's existence is geared toward the day where one will have to use violence in order to survive. But what's wrong with living and surviving for the sake of life.
When I began thinking about this quote I realized the easy thing to do would be to agree with it. I mean if it wasn't true then armies would be disbanded and people would not continue to join in order to protect America or for that matter any country's ideals. However, I think that the threat of violence is always a guiding factor in life, but it is not the sole or most used factor that people go utilize in order to come to a conclusion on a pressing issue. I am going to have to agree with this post in that it is not accurate to attribute violence as the one and only factor that is able to change the outcome of a situation the most times.

I find it disturbing that Heinlein describes the denial of this quote as being correct as "wishful thinking at its worse," because it conveys blatant disregard and strips the legitimacy of the thoughts on whomever holds a contradictory opinion (Heinlein 260). Thus, he definitely tries to deter one into disagreeing with him. Nonetheless, I have to disagree because as a human who has the ability to not fall susceptible to violence, I cannot morally think that he is correct. Also, I guess Heinlein never heard of Mahatma Gandhi who used nonviolent methods (hunger strike) to pursue his goal in gaining India's independence from British rule. Oh, wait did Heinlein also never come across Henry David Thoreau who advocated for civil disobedience and did not pay poll taxes due to his disagreement with the government's handling of Mexican American War and the existence of slavery to convey a statement on the injustices he saw in the government. And we cannot forget about Rosa Parks. She did not pick up a gun, but we all know her story and how it impacted the Civil Rights Movement. Thus, we cannot attribute violence and progress as being equatable because doing so is ignorant and it refuses to acknowledge the existence and the effectiveness of other ways in which to enact change and "settle issues" (Heinlein 26).

At first glance, this quote of Heinlein's seems logical, and in some cases it does apply. But to say that violence has been the most effective measure in changing the course of history is not only disturbing, but also incorrect. And what Heinlein categorizes as "wishful thinking" is not naivete, but rather another way of looking at history and the ways in which we can nonviolently and effectively achieve progess (26).

Ambassador Quainton's Impact

I agree with this blog post in that Ambassador Quainton was very interesting. What I really loved, though was that what he was talking about concerning Nicaragua and America's history of trying to inflict our views onto other cultures, especially in Latin America, and that I am learning all about that in much more depth in an SIS class this semester-- Contemporary Latin America. The Ambassador's comment on Samuel Huntington was very familiar to me too, in that this week I had to read two pieces by him as well! I just love when classes interconnect with another, it makes me feel as though I am not learning random bits of information, but rather important pieces to an overarching puzzle of life. The same is occurred in high school as well. For instance, when I was learning about the scientific aspects of Darwin in biology at the very same time I was learning about the historical implications of Darwin's philosophy in another class.

I think after hearing the Ambassador speak I am going to try whole heatedly to not worry so much about the future in respect to a career. Maybe that's what I am supposed to take from Explorations: a feeling of reassurance about the future...? Because that is what continues to resonate when each guest speaker spoke to us. Actually, it is nice to know that we are expected to be comfortable with changing careers because I think that I am so used to change, and our entire generation is as well, that we would all become kind of bored at the same job forever and a change of scenery, whether it be a new posting to Kuwait like the Ambassador received or a new position in a similar corporation, it is always needed.

To tell the truth, I took this little quiz by the US State Department after one of the representatives came to Leadership Gateway, and I was definitely deterred away from the foreign service pathway after taking the test, and I thought that the civil service pathway would be a lot more friendly to foster a family and have a more normal life with. However, when Ambassador Quainton came to talk to us I was very intrigued by his job and he said he was on every continent in the world! That has always been my goal, to go to at least each continent once. Regardless, as I stated previously, I think I will just lay off of thinking of career paths as of now, because it seems as though they find you and you should not really go looking for them, though it is definitely still good to have prospective goals outlined for the future, in my view.

Greek Stuff

First of all, I thought that seeing Antigone performed on Wednesday was interesting because of the way in which people's interpretations differed. Also, the monologues conveyed the way in which the setting of the play can really change the interpretation. This play has so much ambiguity when it comes to its interpretation that I think that it what makes it a classic: people are able to apply its themes to differing settings or times and it remains applicable. Just look at this clip from youtube. Since when did ancient Greece have the ability to erect photographs instead of the traditional statues? But this was the way in which the director wished to convey the power of Kreon.

There is so much that is not stated and that is left up for the reader to decide what they want to conclude in Antigone. I think that what we did in class today epitomized this because whether one believes that Kreon or Antigone were just in their actions or if the overarching power is the gods, it is left up to debate and for one to decide.

With this in mind, I think that people are largely in charge of their lives, but there are certain events that are going to happen regardless of our control or not. I think that there is a certain time in which I am to die, though I hope it is many, many years from now, and there is a certain person I am supposed to marry. I do not think that I have the ability to control fate in these circumstances. Though I think that if I had picked a different college to go to my current situation would be different because there is no way I could have met the same people, but in the end my soul mate would have still been the same person, even if I met him in a different way, and my final breath would occur at the same time, even if I changed many of the events in between. There are also other major events besides these two to which I am powerless over. I think that with any decision there are certain paths that can be taken, and depending on which path we take there is a different destiny to be awaited, but all of these paths eventually lead to the same ending, and along the way there are the same major events to be encountered.

In that respect, I am able to feel hopeful that I am in charge of my life and that not everything has been predetermined without ignoring the fact that there is a force greater than me in charge of the universe (God in my view), and he is going to direct and ensure that some of the events do take place that I have no control over.

The Acidic Base of Society

First, I wanted to point out that it is an interesting choice of words that Bellah and the other authors decided to use when stating: "litmus test . . . for assaying the health of a society," because during a litmus test acids turn the paper red and bases turn the paper blue-- two colors that are symbolic of America (Bellah et. al., p. 285).

Besides this observation of the language which Bellah and the others elected to use, I agree with the claim that a society's standing can be measured by the way in which it "deals with the problem of wealth and poverty," (Bellah et. al., p. 285). There are many public bads which arise as a result of poverty, such as an increase in violence, drug use, and diseases. Although, I believe, there is no one sole factor that leads to poverty, and as these individuals convey through their back and forth debate between each other, a way in which it is reinforced is through a lack of education. Poverty is cyclical in that once it begins and the longer it prevails, the harder it is to eradicate it. When people become despondent and see no hope for their future, due to a lack of education, they turn to other means like drugs or violence, and the result of these activities turn into a public bad because it ends up affecting innocent people, like someone being the target of violence when they were just walking down the street. It may sound irrational but it occurs across the globe. In my class on Latin America, we were discussing the increase in femicide in countries Guatemala where gang members kill women just because they are women as a way to move up in the ranks in their gang.

The death of an innocent person has dramatic spillover effects onto the rest of society because children are left without parents or they make even turn to violence or drugs as a way to cope with the loss. Therefore, poverty does not create health in a society and because of the immense ways that it can effect society as a whole,and it needs to be addressed in order for prosperity to occur. The government needs to intervene to ensure that everyone has the chance to thrive and achieve their own individual goals so that the society is not weakened. Wealth redistribution is integral and although people claim that they worked hard for their money so they do not want to be forced to pay taxes, it is necessary for those that are wealthy to do so if they wish to continue to see their society prosper and in the process see themselves continue to prosper.For these reasons, I hold the belief that the way in which a society deals with poverty and wealth is the single most important factor that we must take into account when estimating the standing of our society.

Thus, if the citizens of an individualistic society, such as America, wish to thrive in the world, they need to find a way to ensure that not all are left deprived due to extraneous circumstances and that equality is still a key component of the way in which laws are created. The realization that: in order to be able for me to pursue my personal goals, I will need to give back once I have attained success is something that must happen, or if it already has it needs to be reinforced throughout the ages. Concerning the "litmus" test, we need to find a way to become not fully acidic and not fully basic, but a neutrality where all are able to at least have the opportunity or the means to make their dreams a reality, which in turn will benefit the overall society (Bellah et. al., p. 285). I know... I am an idealist.

Who is governing America(n)?

Last year in my government course we learned three ways in which American government and its actions can be explained. The three were: pluralism, hyperpluralism, and elite and class theory. After hearing today's discussion on AU's budget allocation one word came to my mind: entitlement. Disappointgly, I came to the conclusion that most of my fellow students are firm believers in the elite and class theory.

In short, the elite and class theory is that the few elites, who hold the concentration of wealth, are those who persuade policymakers to make policies that favor them and policies that will ensure that their wealth is not in danger. Thus, it makes it seem as though those with the most money yield the most rights. But, since when did a right that one is supposed to be born with cost money? A sense of entitlement transpires because those that possess the money feel as though they are entitled to more rights than the rest and that they are inherently better than the rest of us average or below- average individuals in the socioeconomic structure of American society.

Concerning American University, we all are in some way paying for our education, whether it is you personally who is paying, your parents who foot the bill or if you received an outside or AU scholarship, there is someone who is paying for the bill in your name. Then if we are supposedly all on equal footing, shouldn't equality ensue? But, in actuality people feel as though they are in some way better than others and are entitled to certain resources here, but one sole individual should not be singled out to reap all the benefits, and if a certain radio station or club is helping a certain group of people or if they enjoy listening to it, it should not be destroyed just because you are not personally benefiting from it. That's just selfish. Money turns into a contest that can be very destructive and never ending, as Dante conveys.

If you do not like it, you do have the right as a student to express your discontent or ask for funds to start a club or some other type of organization that you think would be more beneficial. But, by sitting around and doing nothing and stating that you, since you pay tuition, are entitled to certain rights and you are allowed to make or break a radio station is ridiculous. I am not saying that you cannot make a difference. You can. But you cannot do so by just complaining. It is immature and since we are all paying, we are all equal and a few of us are not entitled to more than the rest of us.

We are The American University, and we, just as those in Congress, should be constantly reminded of the principles on which our nation was created.

And remember, life could be a lot worse. Just think about it. We are lucky to even have the opportunity to go to college. Sometimes it is necessary to open our eyes to what others do not have and what we have to realize that we should feel gracious and not selfish-- relative deprivation is a powerful thing.

individualism

I do not think that the outlook for America is as depressing as this quote portrays it to be. I think that Habits of the Heart, in its entirety, did not seem to paint such a grim picture, because they identified such trends that they saw as problematic and then they showed that there is still hope for our society as a whole by the conclusion.

Nonetheless, I do think that modern individualism is not "socially viable" because increasingly people are learning to become more selfish in the materialistic society that we have, and working in their jobs to make others look bad (Bellah et. al., p. 144). People are constantly worrying how they can obtain their self- interests above others, and such trends as husbands or wives working later at the office to earn more money so that with this money they are able to flaunt their wealth over others is seen. There is so much needless opulence in the world and the sad part is that people are drawn to it out of their own greed. Therefore, individualism is pushing people away from others so that the individual can succeed, and thus it creates a less "socially viable" country (Bellah et. al., p. 1440).

People's interests are conflicting now more than ever and relationships become constrained. In this way, modern individualism is also not "individually... viable" because when one is unable to form close relationships with others and is forced to live alone, happiness is halted and people are unable to thrive. It is through relationships with others that we learn the most about ourselves, and yet if we are only looking out for ourselves, how can we ever expect to have even a friendship? People's tendencies to become increasingly interested in pursuing their self- interests is going to be detrimental to not only their own selves and happiness, but also to society as a whole. We cannot forget where we came from and relationships should not be forced to face such constant strains that individualism creates.

However, I disagree with the authors of Habits of the Heart, when they state that a "return to traditional forms would be to return to intolerable discrimination and oppression," (Bellah et. al., p. 144). I do not think that people would revert to such extreme measures again if we were to go back to the individualism that was emphasized in the past, but I also do not think that it is possible to even go back to the old ideals of individualism. Society is shaped by many forces and technology plays a very important role. The advent of technologies like cell phones and computers allowed for people to become more self- reliant because if they needed someone they knew they could call them but they did not have to stay in constant contact with them to find out where they were; computers allowed people to search for information on their own and complete tasks on a more individual level, too.

Since we cannot remove these technologies from our current state of society because so much is based around them, we must, instead, find ways to use these advancements to stress ways in which individualism will promote progress for society as a whole, and not think about ways in which we can go back to the old individualistic ways since that is not even a possibility.

President Neil Kerwin's Visit

Although I had to leave President Kerwin's speech twice in the beginning due to my frequent coughing attacks, I still was able to grasp the message of his speech and some aspects of his life story. I found President Kerwin's words to be reassuring because I do feel "uncomfortable" here at the moment and I do think that the transition into the university has been very "traumatic." He expressed these sentiments and I related to them, and I am very glad to know that it is normal because usually people are very ashamed of such feelings or try to pretend they are just fine. So by having someone who has been through the entire process at AU before, though it was many years prior, to state feelings that I relate to currently was very comforting. President Kerwin, obviously, turned out to be quite successful so now I know that the difficulties that I am facing are not because I am not cut out for this entire college experience.

After President Kerwin's speech, I was surprised to find out about the history of the past presidents that AU has held, but it also explains why AU has a bad reputation still to some people and why it is so important for President Kerwin to create the strategic plan. However, I always find it disheartening when we discuss how people's speeches and responses are rehearsed because it makes one see the world devoid of sincerity. I do think that President Kerwin's responses were sincere and truthful because of the way his face lit up when he relayed certain stories. I also like to believe in the good of others so I do not think that the strategic plan was created solely to extract more money from alumni because to think that way is distressing to me. President Kerwin definitely had to have received similar questions to the ones we asked, but I do not think that he ever received the EXACT same questions before, and thus there is no way that he could have practiced saying such responses. Yes, he has to say certain things as a part of his job, but I think that he truly loves AU and he wanted to make a strategic plan to not only explain his dedication to the campus and the students, but also because such an action is necessary for any university to do at this time in order to ensure that it can continue to meet the growing demands of this changing world in which we live.

The AU Community...?

Communities contain no boundaries, though they are sometimes defined by their geographic location. Communities do not stop at a specific number of people, though they usually involve a certain population. And communities always involve people that share a common interest, belief, or desire. Another important note about communities is that they have the power to include those who share the same beliefs, desires, or interests, while excluding those that do not.

With those parameters in mind, I will go on to explain how AU is a community, but it also contains many multiple communities, and it is also a part of a larger community.

AU is a community because we all made the decision to come here since we held the belief that it was where we were supposed to go to college. Therefore, all AU students have that common thread linking them together to form a community of students. Teachers also are an integral aspect of the AU community because it is assumed that they wanted to teach here and wanted to influence AU's students and allow them to succeed. The overall AU community is also exclusive in that one must be accepted here to attend this school, and since teaching here is a profession, one must be hired first. Through these measures, AU ensures that its community is composed of the people that it thinks are needed to keep this community thriving.

However, AU is composed of many multiple communities, too. When I first thought of the different communities that AU has, the first one that came to my mind was the Catholic Community because that is what they call themselves. They specifically use the word Community because it allows them to include those that are Catholics who will know that they have a place here. Also, the various other religious organizations are also communities because they have the power to exclude those who do not share their common religious belief. Although other clubs are less exclusive than religious ones, they still have the ability to exclude others once all members have joined. Varsity sports teams are another exclusive group on campus in that one must be invited to play for the team. Once one is on a varsity sports team there is a separate gym for one to use, and I am sure there are other privileges that they obtain as well.

Due to geography, AU is also a part of the larger, DC community since AU is recognized by many here and people can sometimes guess if you are a student there. However, AU is a part of a much, much larger community which is composed of all of the universities in the United States. All U.S. universities have in common the desire to educate people, and they are all very exclusive because one must apply to them to go to any university. This large community is defined by its geography in the U.S., and its population in mind is students, allowing it to meet all of the criteria for being a community.

Therefore, I think that it is important to not limit AU's community to itself, in that besides AU being a community, there are also many within it, and AU also plays a major role in a much grander community as well.

homesick

It seems like everyone is either going home or is homesick, I being of the latter category. I just put up a collage of photos and things that remind me of home on my wall and it made me long for all of those moments that I had captured in photographs. I should be excited because I just went for an interview for an internship for this spring, but instead I cannot help but feeling all alone, and it doesn't help that my roommate left for the weekend either. I think the internship possibility only solidified the sentiments that this blog post expressed, in that I, too, feel so grown up and alone at the same time.

All I keep thinking about is Thanksgiving, but that is over a month away. This whole semester is such a weird experiment because I did not know what to expect at all. I had no clue it would get this cold so soon, and so I am thankful that I convinced my parents to bring me my pea coat when they came here last month for a day. It is also an experiment in that I didn't know it would only take two months for me to be homesick. What I want more than anything right now is for it to stop raining and for my parents with my sister to come and pick me up and we go on a family vacation to anywhere.

I thought I would be used to this whole college thing by now, but in all honesty it still feels so strange. It feels strange to call this place home already when I have only been here for two months, but my real home was somewhere that I lived for 18 years. I was considering staying here over the summer to do an internship but I think I have made my decision to do one in the spring instead so that I can be at my real home for as long as possible.

A Cost/ Benefit Analysis of My Life or something of that sort

I just glanced at this person's blog and since he/ she has an alias name I really do not know who it is, but I agree with his/ her annoyance to hearing the same advice from every presenter. Also, I find it interesting that all of our presenters have been women, and usually women, at least from my own personal experience, tend to worry more in general, but these women all advocated for not worrying abut the future because everything will work out. Well, my life is not a movie and there is a possibility that I won't have a success story like them. After all, why would PTJ bring in unsuccessful people to talk about their lives? But, this trend is definitely shedding an unrealistic aspect upon all of us. Sometimes life doesn't work out and people become unhappy about their careers, and I guess that is where I do worry. My parents have spent their whole lives with jobs they really disliked, and that is what I wish to avoid. I do not want to have spent all this time in college only to be unhappy in my career choice, so why shouldn't I worry, or rather how can I not worry? I have, to be honest, become less worried, but in the back of my mind, in the back of all of our mind's, we all have to be wondering where our lives will lead and if, in fact we are doing the right thing at this very moment by even being at American University.

If there is one more presenter who comes in and relays the same information that Mary Hansen and Diane Walker and Debra Humphrey stated I may begin to wonder if they all planned their presentations to coincide and to teach us that worrying is useless. Well, I already know that worrying isn't completely useless because sometimes it ensures that one is able to avoid problems in the future. I think that Mary Hansen is correct in saying that we do need to find what we like, but she made it seem as though we have all the time in the world to do so, but in reality we don't. It is already mid semester of my freshman year, and it feels as though we arrived here only a few weeks ago. Therefore, time, as I have observed, is never on anyone's side, and I don't see it as a cost to worry about the future, but rather a benefit so that one can be adequately prepared.

My Invisible Post

In discussing the Invisible Man and the feeling of invisibility of the narrator I have selected this passage:

"I felt that even when they (white people) were polite they hardly saw me, that they would have begged the pardon of Jack the Bear, never glancing his way if the bear happened to be walking along minding his business. It was confusing. I did not know if it was desirable or undesirable," (Ralph Ellison 168).

In this passage, Ellison defines what invisibility means in the context of the novel. The invisible man is invisible for two reasons: one being that the white people in society tend to think less of blacks at this time and disregard his presence as being in the way, for he causes them to run into him, and two being that the narrator is invisible because he is not doing anything important to draw attention or recognition to himself, by the blacks and whites alike at this point in the novel. The narrator is torn between wondering if this is a good or bad thing, and this is the beginning of his struggle with himself in figuring out what he wants. The passage comes from when the narrator is faced with unresponsiveness in finding a job from all of the trustees, but he still places hope in Mr. Emerson.

Therefore, I believe that the narrator's invisibility is equally due to his race and to his experiences, so I guess the latter can constitute the "generally applicable" section of the question. But, this is where I fall into confusion because I argue that the narrator's experiences are so distinct to himself because of his race. The narrator would not have been kicked out of college for showing a white man the immoral and impoverished situation of True Blood unless he was black because True Blood's existence conveys the true state of many Southern blacks at the time, but this was supposed to stay unknown to the white, rich trustees-- to Mr. Norton.

So maybe I have changed my mind, maybe the narrator's invisibility is solely due to his race. He cannot have his initial purpose in life fulfilled because of the constraints placed on blacks to act a certain way, which forces him into a position of invisibility in society because he does not feel as though (at least at this point in the book) that he knows what to do with his life.

Anyways, another part of the prompt was about if anyone else can be invisible as well, or must they be of a group that is subordinate. I think that, yes, invisibility will always stem from someone feeling subordinate or even inferior to others. I have even felt invisible before. I have felt invisible this week... but I don't really want to make this an entry in a personal diary so I will not disclose anything further. The point I am trying to make though is that invisibility can occur when someone feels unaccepted for who one is, and one is repressed by those that are in control, leaving one to feel inferior and confused about one's purpose and position in society. And this is exactly why the invisible man feels invisible: because he has basically been brainwashed to act a certain way in college, and he still believes in the goodness of whites, but upon coming North and realizing that he cannot find a job, he feels overlooked and useless in society-- he feels invisible.

Ellision, Ralph. The Invisible Man. New York: 1947.

My Personality/ Preferences

WOW! I was so surprised by how accurate the MBTI Personality test was. Even though when I self- evaluated myself there were two discrepancies between my results and what I thought I would get. Those were the two categories of Introvert/ Extrovert and Thinking and Feeling which were two that I was on the fence about anyways. My result was: ENFJ. The results were definitely reassuring. It's funny because now I do DC Reads and I really enjoy it, and my boyfriend suggested that maybe it's some sort of calling. I always thought about education but was never serious about it. But now to see that most of the careers that would correspond best with my personality are ones that deal with Education/ Human Services, I beginning to at least consider this fate now. I am going to apply to become an intern with my senator for possibly this Spring or Summer, and I think that experience will let me see if I really am interested in working for the government and foreign service because my senator is on the Foreign Relations Committee, that is if I get the job.

Overall, I would say that the presentation that Susan Gordon gave and receiving the MBTI results was my favorite presentation thus far, only because of its perceived utility to me. I think that the other activities which we have done and will be doing in Explorations will reveal their usefulness later on in the semester and/ or in life. Since I am only looking at the present, today's class was my favorite. Probably, when I do my final reflection, my views will have changed completely though!

Catholicism and Racism

I definitely think that changing the genre of Augustine's and Ellison's respective books would change not only the perception that these books received by their audiences, but also their significance. Ellison is writing at a time where I do not think a personal account of his encounters with racism and his problems with society would be appropriate. As fiction, Ellison is able to convey a theme and a story that many people will learn from whereas a true, personal history would seem very critical and be not as acceptable, though it would relay the same message, to the audience. Though Ellison integrates his personal experiences in The Invisible Man, it is not the same as a personal- history, and it also would not be as effective for the time in which he is writing. The Civil Rights Movement is just about to begin at this time, and it is important to remember that even though blacks were legally given the right to vote, they still faced grandfather clauses that limited the amount of blacks that actually voted. If Ellison were to have written a deeply personal account on racism in American society, I think that it would not have been as widely received as his novel due to the fact that many were unwilling to realize the amount of discriminatory practices and unjust acts that were still occurring against African Americans in the North and South at the time. However, since Ellison used fiction as a tool to gain the attention of many, and in doing so he was successful by winning the National Book Award, I think that he revealed many of the difficulties that the African Americans faced to a wide audience that did not only consist African Americans, but also of many whites, too.

Now on to Augustine. I think that Augustine's book would have been A LOT easier to read if it was fiction. But, that is only because I have only read philosophy once in tenth grade. Regardless, it would have also been different in other respects. For instance, a fictional account of Augustine's life would not have seemed legitimate as a way to convert more people to Catholicism and to convey to the higher level Catholic clergy that Augustine really was a devout Catholic who had a revelation from God. Augustine's main point about receiving divine intervention would have seemed fake if he had structured his book as fiction, and his struggles with temptation would have just been as a way to move the plot along. However, since Augustine used a book to convey personal confessions and his view on Catholicism it was seen as more credible and able to influence more people since it was him being brutally honest to his readers.

Therefore, as is the same case with Ellison, due to the purpose and the period that these authors are writing it was important for them to select the perfect genre in order to a) appeal to their respective audiences, b) attain some form of success from writing their books and c) convey an important message to society about their experiences and in doing so calling for some type of change. In Augustine's book he was calling for change in the sense that he wished for more people to change their religious views and take on Catholicism, and in Ellison's view he is calling for America to stop its discriminatory practices towards blacks in order for equality to ensue.


ps: check out this excerpt from the PBS version of Invisible Man, I had heard that it was really good, and I, too, think that it is. a good depiction of the first chapter.

Monumental Moments

Monuments serve the purpose to remember and reflect on either someone or something. That is what the monuments in Washington DC seem to do at first glance. However, after the process of observing, analyzing, and discussing the class' experiences at the monuments, I have come to a new conclusion: Washington DC's monuments say a lot without actually saying anything at all.

I think that the first time I went to the monuments my experience was in a way biased because I had a teacher from school explaining the significance of each one. However, this did not allow me to develop my own thoughts on the monuments and their placement with one another. After many years have passed and after having gone there without a tour guide, I was able to realize that not only does each monument's structure play a role in the identity that it represents, but the order of the monuments is also integral as well.

What I found most striking was the differences between the Vietnam and WW II monuments. The Vietnam one seems to have been placed far away from the rest of the monuments and I found this distance to be symbolic of our nation's desire to distance itself from this war in general. Not only that, but this monument is not at all appealing to look at nor is it inviting, and I think that this relays that it really was tragic that all of these soldiers died, as some would say even now, a lost cause. The reflective nature of the wall also forces one to feel a great sense of sadness when walking along the wall, and the way in which the monument curves up and down parallels the nature of the war, going from low- scale involvement, to full escalation, to taking troops out near the end of it.

Contrastingly, the WW II, particularly at night, is beautiful, and one forgets that it is commemorating the lives of all of those who were lost during the war. The circular structure of the monuments creates a sense of unity with all of the states being represented equally, so as to convey that every state and every person played an important role in WW II, and victory could not have been achieved without the nation coming together as one. Also, the WWII monument is inviting and people are actually able to sit in it, whereas the Vietnam was structured so as to keep one moving along the pathway.

Such differences between not only these two monuments, but all of them in general, I find striking, and though I was very skeptical at first about this ethnography process (and I am still very worried about the ethnography project) I think that it was a very interesting process to take part in.

Analyzing Autobios

How many times have people stated that they want to change the world as their life goal? Well, I want to do that too (how cliché)! But, I think that so many people desire to do so, including me, because it will allow them to be remembered after they are dead. I want my life to be in some sense eternal so that I know that my life was not meaningless and devoid of purpose, but rather I was important and continued to affect the lives of many even after my death because people would study my contributions to the world even after I was not on physically on it. Therefore, I think that in order for someone's life to be turned into an autobiography it does not necessarily have to contain drama, more so because the word drama has a bad connotation to me in that I perceive two girls trash talking each other in a hallway at school, but it has to have importance. Importance can mean that the person had a profound life- changing experience that was very important and influential to their lives, or it can mean that they actually did something important, like purposed a theory that changed the way that psychology was taught.

With this in mind, I would not want to live a life that did not merit an autobiography. Even if I did not write an autobiography because I was too busy changing lives than having the time to write about my own, I would hope that someone would consider my contributions to society as imperative toward progress in society, and that I did live a meaningful life. I strive to be able to leave a lasting mark on society; I want to do something profound with my life. I do not know what it is yet, and that is where my inner struggle arises, but I hope to live a life that is seen as an inspiration and noteworthy of a biography, whether it is written by myself or someone else.

Amid Confusion

I really enjoyed Debra Humphrey's presentation. She was very honest about her own life and experiences, and it made it easy to discern her opinion and view on things. However, she worried me. She studied an entirely different subject in college than what she needed for the job she currently has. If I did that I would feel as though I wasted time and money, and I would not be happy. I wish I knew what I was meant to do now; I am too impatient and I already feel as though I may be studying the wrong subjects. I really do not want to end up taking courses that are impertinent to my future life, but at the same time I am hesitant to explore new courses that don't pertain to my major because every course that I take costs money, and then if I hate that class I realize I should not have elected to take it, and thus I would feel regretful because that money could have went towards another course that would actually be beneficial. I don't know if this attitude of being cautious when taking course stems from being a first- generation college student, just at Debra Humphrey was. Do people such as myself feel this way because we do not have parents who can provide answers about their personal collegiate experience? I just feel like everything is a mess right now. I hear some people saying that they really like their classes, but none of mine are that enticing, besides this one. Part of me misses the comforts of high school, even though I was so eager to leave because I did not have the daunting question of what job do I want to hold always hanging over my head. And I did not have the burden of thinking about money 24/7 since I went to a public school. I wish there would have been a better way to prepare for this all. I keep asking myself and others questions and everyone does not seem to possess the same answer and/ or there is no answer. I totally can relate to the feeling that Augustine possessed when he is having a crisis of faith and he keeps asking God questions, but only slowly and subtlety do the answers reveal themselves. The same is true for me because only over time will the answers actually become unearthed, but until then I will have to learn to be patient and continue to work hard. Because as Debra Humphrey said (which really left an indelible mark on me): "Success is more related to work than talent." This is reassuring because if there is one thing I do know it is that I can work hard, but I really do not know of any special talents that I possess.

Augustine & Alzheimers

It is very odd to have to think deeply about memory because in doing so one's brain feels as though it is doing a loop- de- loop in that it is hard to grasp and theorize about the concept of memory. When I was reading Chapter X of Confessions I remember possessing the same feeling, a feeling of utter confusion, which forced to re- read some passages. But, as always I will attempt to dissect the question that was posed in order to compile my structured response.
To start, I do not think that Augustine's purpose of conveying that there is such a thing as "strategic remembrance" brings problems to his claim that one is also able to remember innate responses, such as emotions like sadness and happiness. Memory is different for each individual person because the events that one remembers are distinct to the experiences that one is exposed to throughout one’s lifetime. And, I think that these special experiences are what contributes to the label of "strategic remembrance" because we are each able to recall certain past events when we want to. However, all human being’s biological makeup is relatively in similar in that, among other things, we all possess the same number of chromosomes, not taking into account genetic diseases, and therefore we are wired to respond to certain situations in a similar fashion—unifying us as humans. For example, during a tragic event we all weep and feel sad together, during a wedding we are all happy and our faces display images of elation. Is someone standing at the doors of a church instructing everyone to place a smile on their face once they step foot into the door? No. Did someone tell the entire nation to cry for all those lives that were lost during 9/11? No. But rather humans are able to tell when certain emotions are necessary and this is an innate response, which connects humans to one another. And sometimes it is almost beautiful to think about— the things that make humans, humans, instead of focusing what makes us all different from each other. I hope that answers the part a. of the question because part of me is a little worried that my answer is too complex, but this question is really hard to answer in words. It is as though I know the answer is hidden inside of my head but I cannot describe it, which plays into Augustine's description of memory— how ironic.
Now on to part b. with a really bad transition: I really enjoyed the content of the Alzheimer's article, and I believe that if I was unable to remember my past I would still be myself. I may not be able to remember my past but in the present I would still perform actions that demonstrated who I am. The same was true for the Gisela Webb's mother. She describes that when she played the music that her mother used to enjoy at a younger age, she "responded with enjoyment and even bodily rhythm," (Webb, http://speakingoffaith.publicradio.org/programs/2009/alzheimers/essay_webb-greatunlearning.shtml). Therefore, I think that even if I am unable to remember my past, I will still act like myself, even if I am acting like a child because I think that I’m actually in childhood, and in reality I may be 70 years old. I think that even if my habits and personality may not match my age, I am still me because I should still portray some of the aspects of my personality because those aspects are embedded somewhere inside of myself, somewhere inside of my memory, a part of memory that has nothing to do with recalling past events but with responses to certain situations and interests.